What
Happened to Dave?
Part 4
By December of 2009, my return to organized Christianity had concluded. I was now "free" again, but with a freedom I did not experience during the exodus that started in 1995. This new freedom was one in which I no longer felt a need to live up to the expectations of others, particular Christians. Finally, I could now be free to be the person God created me to be in Christ.
Perhaps a rewind at this point will provide some context to what has been going on in my spiritual journey. When I came to know the Lord in 1981, I was amazed at just how real and how simple a relationship with Christ could be. Up until that point, I had never read the Bible. I had only attended churches for a funeral or a wedding. I didn't really have any theological "baggage" to carry with me into this new and exciting relationship. I just knew that Jesus was real and that God loved me. I would wake up in the morning and just sit at my desk and soak in His love. He was so real to me, and my life seemed so full of Him at the time.
I started to attend a small church not far from my parents' house, where I was living since my discharge from the Navy, and prior to my getting married to Bel. They were nice people there and they loved me, but they were a little surprised at my excitement and child-like faith in Jesus. One member said to me privately, "It will wear off." You know what? He was right. The excitement did eventually "wear out." You see, Religion had begun to sink its hooks into my soul.
My relationship with the Lord had gone from one of a real experience with a living God who actually filled my soul to one of obligation, including church attendance, Bible reading, prayer, financial giving, and Christian "service." This did not happen to me overnight, or else I would have sensed the flame beginning to flicker.
Because I did not grow up in a church-attending, Bible-reading family, I was fairly ignorant of what was in the Bible. I was able to read through the Bible in a year, and I had started to memorize Bible verses as a young Christian. But, I knew I needed to learn more. So I was accepted at the Moody Bible Institute in Chicago, and moved there with Bel in 1983 (you can read more about this in Part 2). We became very involved in the same local church in Chicago that had introduced me to Jesus.
I was doing quite well as a student (actually did end up graduating at the top of my class, academically). I was working a part-time job to support my family (a wife and two babies). And, I was very active at our church. I taught Sunday School, and then became a deacon, and eventually I became a full-time pastor. My life was filled with many responsibilities and much religious activity. But the flame that once burned so brightly in my heart with God's love had died. Now, God would only speak to me, it seems, through the pages of Scripture, and through the experiences of others. Theologically, I had God placed into a box around which I could wrap my mind. He became very small and very distant at the same time.
Because I was part of a "group" (a church) and had to subscribe to a form of "group think" (Evangelical orthodoxy), I no longer could be intellectually honest in what I believe. If I saw something in the Bible that contradicted what I was experiencing in organized Christianity, I had to suppress that discovery, for fear of being ostracized or accused of being "divisive." The Lord had gone from being this God of love who lit a flame in my heart to a God who seemed disappointed in me if I did not perform up to His expectations or the expectations of the religious system into which I had felt trapped.
Even when I was involved in house churching and during the seven years I was back in the institutional church, I still kept God pretty much in the box I had created for Him. Certainly, there were many glimpses (which thankfully grew in their frequency) I was getting into His love and grace during this time. But fear kept me from being free to be who He created me to be. This all changed in December of 2009, when I "left the building" for good. (Ironically, I wrote the previous sentence on Elvis' birthday!)
There's more I could say here, but time does not presently permit me. I am starting a new blog, and once it is "operational," I will put a hyperlink on this page. Thanks for taking time to read about my story. You can keep up with what's going on in my life at my Facebook page at www.facebook.com/dave.lilligren.
May you continue to be blessed by the One who loves you more than you'll ever know!